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nothing is true
You may have noticed my new image for my blog. It was taken the other week, just by Brick Lane, London. Very me! At the moment my thought life has mostly taken the form of positive thinking, and hopefully some of those inward injections of feigned joy are being projected to the people around. So if you all think I'm ok then it's working. Ammusingly it does actually make me feel better, if I wait for a moment and just accept the stuff that's going on around and then smile anyway it actually does make it a bit better. It feels so wrong, like I'm ignoring what is going on, not processing the important stuff. I suppose sometimes we do just have to smile and get on with life, don't we? What about those days or conversations where it's all ok, but then the stuff on the inside just gets all churned up, and I can't help it. I didn't choose or request the provocation. It's there right at the core of me, sucking me into myself, choking me. It is, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's just there choking me from the inside. All I want to do is expell it from within me. I hate it, because it stops me being who I want to be, stops me engaging with people. I've tried telling people what it is and how it feels, but in its expression it seems to become more real, and grow within me and suck me in even more. It makes me shiver to see it written down, is it a thing? When it was still kept inside it was smaller. What do you do? What's right? I can't help what those social interactions evoke in me. I can't help how I feel. If emotions aren't wrong why do they sometimes make me feel so horrible, I just don't like, it's not nice. Especially when they are just there, showing no signs of leaving. Their incessant imposition on my life exhausts me. All I want is to feel ok, to feel like I don't have to hide this part of me away, to feel acceptable to the world. I'm looking for answers when really I know nothing is true. |
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(12.5.06 10:16) Please don't hide... |
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