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back where i started...
... maybe in a little bit, but certainly a very similar place. The particular place I refer to is the whole having/processing/engaging with my emotions thing. It's funny how I need to learn things more than once, I enjoy learning, so it's not a completely awful thing. It is quite humbling, perhaps just annoying, to admit that I don't always get things first time around. Sometimes I just have give up trying to understand, and not in bovered way, but in a way that engages with the need to learn, with the dissatisfaction of life, with the frustration at the inability to understand. They are real, really in me, very annoying, and annoyingly real. When I give up, push through, get on with life, keep myself busy, or disengage because my thoughts aren't good enough, that's where the damage happens, that's where I stop growing, and put up the barriers. That's why letting people care is so devastatingly hard, so hard that I have unconsciously blockaded myself in, behind the walls of deconstruction. It undermines who I am, it starts to demolish what I think, it rips away at my self image, as poor as it may be, and that is painful. I love my thoughts so much, how can I let go of them, admit I can't always understand. I need my stabilising value systems in this world that makes no sense. |
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today has mostly been...
my birthday! And I have realised there are lots of people in my world that actually love me, no seriously, I'm not joking they genuinely care about me, matt, this person here. The one that I find on so many mornings falling into the pit, merrily sulking over and hating himself. So I think I almost, kinda, maybe, have made a decision... I'm gonna let people love me, I'm actually going to let people care about who I am, and not only that I'm going to care, I'm gonna be bovered... Really?! |
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this is it
Well it would seem that the answer to life still eludes me. WhoÂ’d of thought it? DoesnÂ’t stop me looking though! Between thinking I: Sold cheesy Christian T-Shirts at Spring Harvest, Minehead Stayed in a random dilapidated little village in Wales with the family Went out to the Campbell in Coventry, a legendary rock club Bought some CDs For those of you that care what IÂ’m thinking, which I know is few, IÂ’ll enlighten you to the part of my inner world I want you to see, although not only is it the bit I want you to see but it is also how I want you to see it. My thoughts are still dominated by this pervading dichotomy. Although it does feel like itÂ’s starting to fade into the general noise of my life. IÂ’m feeling rather overwhelmed by the pointlessness and the amazingness of life all at once, I donÂ’t really understand what people who donÂ’t believe in something more, are living for. And yet I donÂ’t really get what it is that I am living for, or if it is more than the materialism and self improvement of the world. There something about things being more than they are, people surrendering in relationships, and pressing in, and getting more out, and not settling, and not limiting ourselves, and growing, and learning, andÂ… I donÂ’t know, just more, there has to be more, else itÂ’s not worthwhile, else itÂ’s all pointless, elseÂ… I donÂ’t even know, I donÂ’t even get it. And I hate my lack of knowledge, I should understand. I have to get it. I want to capture it in a thought. Bothered! |
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i am learning new things
Girls can be friends. Boys can be really good friends. It's ok just to be friends. It's ok just to chat and share experiences. It's hard not to want more, but that's a me thing, and not necessarily a good thing or a bad thing. I like my friends... lots! They make me really happy, and just spending a few moments with a good friend to prepare dinner can make my whole world a better place. It feels so contrary to where I feel at the moment. I'm searching for answers to my questions everywhere I go. When really all I need is a smile, or a hug, or another pair of eyes to watch with me as the world passes us by. |
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i want some freaking moderism
So generally I feel pretty crap at the moment, so in reaction against my inner destruction I’m taking control of what I eat and how I eat it, nothing quite like keeping yourself hungry and then, when you do eat, lining up your Weetabix mush... The stuff on the inside is like the sum total of post-modernism. I was just talking to John and he was saying that: with reductionism you end with complete meaning, but nothing else. And with deconstructionism you end up with everything and yet no meaning. I want some meaning, I’m tired of the draining, life extinguishing experience. I want to know the personhood of God. God is in everything and yet he doesn’t say anything. I no longer believe in right and wrong, good or evil. They don’t mean anything. You say “this or that?” and I respond “this and that, both and neither, all and nothing”. I have lost the otherness of God. It’s all so true and yet none of it says anything. I can’t express the feelings, the ‘meh!’, the flailing arm gestures, the complete envelopment of the moment. I try to make the movements and the sounds of the infinite and yet I am completely alienated from the finitude. If I could make the movements of the finite and be there in them, the reflections in the infinite would be the most beautiful. What is there after everything? God is. |
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my return
It's been a long time since I last blogged, I just read what I wrote. I quite like it, I like the fact that I still think it is all about relationship and that my relationships do seem to be more authentic and more balanced. Also I am finding a lot of freedom and pain and love and space and challenge and barriers and potential in them. Also in my world I have discovered how to make a lovely pasta bake topped with cherry tomatoes and mozzarella. I'm learning to experience/understand my emotions, although I'm not sure if I was better off when I didn't have any. I bought myself a graphics tablet, that I am having fun using. I'm also becoming horrendously more post-modern. A friend prayed for me the other day, and I think it could be summarised as "Thank you that Matt is a post-modernist"! I have been to Edinburgh, I was there for less than 48 hours, it was proper sweet. Met amazing people, and furthered relationships with people I had already met. So thereÂ’s the catch up. Now I can start using the blog. It makes me happy that this blog is both a bit inane and a bit deep. |
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the futility of blogging
capslock primarily its technical connotations, subsequently its analogous nature between the reduction of language's complexity by capitalisation and the reduction of the intricacy of thought by language. This isn't really going to be about blogging at all. I don't really know what I should expect from this, if anything. But I do feel that if something is done then it should have value, whatever that means. The reason I wish to blog is to write down my thoughts, which is unfortunately inevitably impossible. Language can never fully express thoughts. I was challenged yesterday as to whether language was adequate. But I see it as being fundamentally deficient I'm not sure if it can ever be adequate, unfortunately it has to be, particularly with blogging. Although the advantage is that I can write what I think I want to write, not what I think. That is in contrast to what I say which is often just what I think or, I suppose that should be, what I am thinking. It can make for quite confused but hopefully authentic conversations. Now that is something that I have been thinking about, authenticity, I like the sound of it - in both ways! I have mainly been thinking of it with respect to relationships, and I suppose have formed an abstract concept that's conclusion would be along the lines of "authentic relationships are better". This perfectly illustrates the beauty of thought, as I start to write I realise that my language can never fully convey what they actually 'look' like. My attempt here to explain my thought was trivialised to a concluding sentence, but one where the words are mere place holders for other thoughts, so in fact the conclusion is merely a summary they can never be fully understood without a full understanding of the thoughts behind them. I have recently been asking people how they think, there are many complexities to this (by 'this' I mean the question not the answer, although both interpretations are true). I know the answer I am looking for, but I have found that posing a question to extract my desired answer quite problematic. This has not inhibited my attempts to obtain answers. And what normally ensues is a conversation, rather than a quick question and response that would be more efficient. It is interesting to note that the answering of the question reveals part of the answer. For the way we converse is symptomatic of the way we think. I will try to explain the answer that I desire, and illustrate the main difficulty in formulating the ideal question to ask. I want to know how people think, by which I mean what is happening in their mind when they are developing their thoughts. I am often tempted to ask "What do you see when you are thinking?" but this immediately imposes my understanding of how I think, namely in a visually oriented way. I hope that interlude was endured, if not enjoyed; I'd hate to lose my readers so early on in my blogging career. My reasons for liking the sound of authentic relationships is that I have recently become convinced that it's all about relationships, and thus one should aim to have the 'best' relationships. And I suppose that would explain why the conclusion of my thoughts is what it is. For me it seems that relationships are more valuable when they are deep and challenging, this is about being authentic about yourself and being authentic in your attitude to others respectively. I often find only one side of that coin in many of my relationships, and this normally corresponds to my dominant position in a relationship, that of either listener or speaker. I aim to bring a balance to my relationships, to improve them. Having read the preceding lines I realise that I was correct, their contents does not convey the thoughts that formed them, but maybe they were adequate. |
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