capslock: my words
tension resolution

Life seems to be full of tensions, sometimes they seem healthy, sometimes they seem all pervading, sometimes they fade into the background, sometimes we fall off one end, and sometimes they pull us apart.

So often when two seemingly good things are in tension we have a tendency to try and resolve the tension, to try and find a way that will mean it is no longer noticed. Particularly with our own personal tensions, the ones that we most see, the ones that can so easily be deconstructed and pulled apart and made to nothing by those around us but for us that is never enough. For the one living inside the tension, living over the tension, it will always be there, so arbitrary but so real and all encompassing. So true.

Well I often want to resolve them or at least find a deconstruction that satisfies, something that makes it digestible. I hate having to accept something that looks right if it doesn?t feel right. So I have come to the conclusion that it?s not about tension resolution, it?s not about finding your point along the imaginary line and striving for the middle, it?s not about compromise or having to succumb to mediocrity. But actually these personal little tensions that we have, our weaknesses and strengths, these are us, I am my tension, and it is what I am called to bring to a group, to notice in a project to contribute to a team. I do not try to find the middle, I press in at both ends, I live my tension. I walk the knife edge ridge between two welcoming crevasses. And that is where I am alive, to do both, to see them realized in the moment.
2.6.06 09:14

life is not about being happy

My blog is running the risk of disappearing into obscurity again. So here I am to breath in some fresh life in the form of another exhaling of the cerebral wind that storms in my head.

The voice in this wind has spoken of happiness, and those of you that know me will realise I think "life is not about being happy". I hope you all agree, and not in a deeply depressing way but in a there is more than happiness way. I don't really get it myself and I know it's all tied up with the way I long for more than there currently is. I want my friends to be in a better place than they currently are and I want myself to be in a better place than I currently am. I long to see people being free from their issues and living a life that reflects that freedom.

But I'm just not convinced it's going to happen, not today anyway. So maybe we should just settle for happiness, because the alternative seems to be that never ceasing dissatisfaction with life, that perpetual onslaught of seeing your issues all mapped out in front of you, and yet you are powerless to do anything about them. All you can do is choose to ignore it, choose to smile and choose to get on with life. Just trying to stay afloat over the quagmire of reality.

20.5.06 19:53

nothing is true

You may have noticed my new image for my blog. It was taken the other week, just by Brick Lane, London. Very me!

At the moment my thought life has mostly taken the form of positive thinking, and hopefully some of those inward injections of feigned joy are being projected to the people around. So if you all think I'm ok then it's working. Ammusingly it does actually make me feel better, if I wait for a moment and just accept the stuff that's going on around and then smile anyway it actually does make it a bit better. It feels so wrong, like I'm ignoring what is going on, not processing the important stuff. I suppose sometimes we do just have to smile and get on with life, don't we?

What about those days or conversations where it's all ok, but then the stuff on the inside just gets all churned up, and I can't help it. I didn't choose or request the provocation. It's there right at the core of me, sucking me into myself, choking me. It is, and there's nothing I can do about it. It's just there choking me from the inside. All I want to do is expell it from within me. I hate it, because it stops me being who I want to be, stops me engaging with people. I've tried telling people what it is and how it feels, but in its expression it seems to become more real, and grow within me and suck me in even more. It makes me shiver to see it written down, is it a thing? When it was still kept inside it was smaller. What do you do? What's right? I can't help what those social interactions evoke in me. I can't help how I feel.

If emotions aren't wrong why do they sometimes make me feel so horrible, I just don't like, it's not nice. Especially when they are just there, showing no signs of leaving. Their incessant imposition on my life exhausts me. All I want is to feel ok, to feel like I don't have to hide this part of me away, to feel acceptable to the world.

I'm looking for answers when really I know nothing is true.
12.5.06 00:05

where is the difference

One of the things I hate most in life is when people feel that they can't be who they really are. But what happens if you can't be who you really are because it is going to effect someone else? Can I really admit what is going on inside me? If my stuff has no solutions and is hurting should I let people see? Should I let more than one person see? Tell everyone? Should I be fake with the people I choose not to tell? Is the stuff that I know to be true in my head any less valid, less real, less, than the stuff that feels true and dictates the way I live? If the problem is looking for answers, should I stop looking? Haven't I just created an answer? Is honesty really the best policy? What is reality? How are you? Does it even matter?

Sometimes we just have to do what we are told.
8.5.06 02:39

two in two

My blogs have been a bit heavy over the last couple of days. Well maybe not heavy that makes it sound like they carried weight or something. Let's say they were rather intellectually full. 'Full what of?' one might ask, and I would let the question create the space it deserves and move on.

Today I have mostly been inspired by people and in admiration of them. It's nice to want to be around the people you are around. They seem to bring life when I am with them. It's as if when they look at you, not only are they seeing the light reflect off you, but they also shine some light onto you, that's a cool thing. Getting too thinky...
2.5.06 17:48


I had a really nice thought yesterday, one of those moments where you wish you could record all the feelings that rush through your body and then play them back to yourself when it's a rainy day. The thought went something like this... I don't understand, I hate the fact that I don't understand, I need to understand to make my world safe, so I know what is going on, because at the moment I don't have a clue. But God understands (aren't I a clever one) and I can engage with his understanding, and fulfil my desire to understand in Him and in my relationship with Him.

Then being in the mood for generalisation, and trying to make my stuff applicable to everyone else. Because that's what you do, right? Find a thing make it into a rule and then impose it on everyone else. Anyway, so I generalised this rule to; we all have things within us that we can bring to a community, and the irony of these things is that we always have that need which we fulfil in others. But God is the best at whatever the thing may be, so we can engage with him in our need, and find satisfaction to some of the deepest parts of who we are.
1.5.06 21:06

so... that's a thing in the world

Yesterday I noticed this particular thing. It was a brief moment of a lovely sunny afternoon. It is a thing about the way that I look at myself. When I look there's a desire to find the roots, the connections, the truth. Unfortunately there is a massive underlying assumption to all this, that I can see my self objectively. I don't realise that it is me that is doing the watching, I am watching myself, the fly on the wall isn't some lie-detector, or truth-scope, it's me, and it's just as broken as the thing it's looking at. So I see what I've always noticed, the same old issues, seen through the same old lenses. There's no perfect mirror, the mirror is bent in all the same places, that I am broken, and the underlying story is missed in the cracks and shadows created by the very thing I am looking for.

And this is why we need friends, because they have different lenses and see different parts, or atleast they are on the outside and carve up the world in different ways. And when we let them tell us what they see they will reply; 'you'. They see us, they see the person doing the looking, sitting infront of the broken mirror, and they see the mirror with its distorted reflection, because the shadows don't fall so darkly for them. But it floors you, it takes the carpet from under your feet, because we start to see into the shadows, those places we kept hidden from ourselves, we see the stuff that bent the mirror, we see that we broke the mirror, because we hated our own reflection, we saw part of who we were and didn't like it so we killed it.

This is why we deperately need community, to smash the mirrors and just live, this is where people change each other, where we love, and let love in. And at the moment I'm teetering, and falling looks so free.
29.4.06 22:04

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